I'm Still Breathing, I'm Alive

Last updated September. WHAT??!!

Hahaha it's been a while, people.

It's winter now, night has been longer. As if God is giving extra sleeping hours to people here. Because he is going to take some during summer. Lol.

If there are stuff I have to talk about but I can't do it in the social media due to the need of you know, taking care of some hearts so as not to break them, maybe I should bring it here.

This blog retains the full English usage until now, which is a huge limiting factor for me to rant about things. It's quite good, to refrain me from going too far, I think.

Let's talk about being alive.

Since we all are. You haven't died yet, have you?

Being alive is beautiful to some, and dreadful to some others.

Since living itself needs to be maintained, some people just prefer death instead. This is very irrelevant even in this blog anyway.

Living requires us to be strong and that's fucking tiring.

Some of us wanna settle down, be as soft as jelly, or spread like water, drying away.

For the strong people, who persisted against shits and stuffs, they won't understand. They never will.

As if being weak is wrong. In fact, it is actually wrong. God made us all equally strong. Why would we wanna be weak?

It's not about giving up on life as it is. Like I said, it's tiring.

Since everything is made of shit nowadays, we might want to wash our hands and walk away from these shits.

But we can't. There's the problem.

In the world of expectations, too good for you, can't catch up, left behind, be alone, depressed and held back, feel incapable, hundreds of people way ahead above you, being stepped upon by those bastards up there, yada yada yada.

This is a loser's mentality, not coping with stress and finding a way to strive.

But believe me, this loser is there inside all of us. There is a tiny little spot in our hearts where we wish a peaceful life with nothing to worry about.

But our bodies are trapped in a prison made by us. A world where even humans go against each other. Heck, a person has to go against himself for fuck's sake.

As if we have no place here. You feel me?

I'm sure you do.

You took it out.
But I'm still breathing.
I'm still breathing.
I'm still breathing.
I'm still breathing.

I'm alive.

That's all we need.

I guess it is.

Please notice the Sia reference above.

:)

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Bipolar

Sometimes I identify myself as a bipolar person.

I am fine and I am not fine at the same time.

No I am not diagnosed with anything in particular.

But sometimes, reading stuffs on the internet makes me feel like I am a sick person.

Too many mental diseases I am suffering from.

I'm sane. The above is metaphorical. Or is it?

I can't be sure of what I want. Who I am.

I only know who I was.

I miss him but I can't do anything about it.

Losing so many things changed me quite.

Sometimes I would like to think I am a different person, even in a bad way.

But I am the same shit I was years and years ago.

Only the good things about me are losing bit by bit.

The bad stuffs remains. Increasing, even.

Why?

I think I know why.

But I'm to scared to admit it.

Yet I feel the burden is gonna be lifted one day.

Maybe when I die, I can stop worrying.

So I will try to live as for now.

For I don't know when is the time I'll be free.

Will I be safe? Will I be saved? Will I ever be?

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Maybe It's Time To Try The History Textbook Trick

Can't sleep. Help, please.

Remember when we were in form five at middle school, oh form five? Malaysian detected. Might as well start using Malaysian English here every now and then.

Please, no.

But there was this one particular spell book, the ultimate book of sleep charm.

History textbook.

Reading that damn book one page and you (or more precisely, I) will start feeling drowsy.

Since summer, I slept after fajr prayer and now as fajr starts to be quite late and will be later, later I want to sleep at night again.

And it's not as easy as it sounds. I just can't.

Good for you, huh Nocturnal Rant blog? Good for you.

I think starting tomorrow I have to read some part of the ophthalmology book before sleep, to make the drowsy effect takes place so I can sleep early.

Good god, close my eyes and make me sleep.

Exam is next week. I have done quite some preparations. Apparently, quitting Dota isn't one. God save me, please.

Please.

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Silence In The Dark

Let him be,
knowing or not knowing,
please stay in the dark.

I'll keep him in the dark,
if I can,
but I won't be able to
forever.

Please keep him in the dark,
silence and not moving,
even when he knows where the light is,
my shadows,
and where my shadows fall.

Stay in the dark,
for you won't like me,
my true face is ugly,
but you can't see,
if you're in the dark.
and you can't tell,
if you're in the dark,
and you can't tell them,
if you're in the dark.

Stay,
forever,
in silence,
in the dark.

Please stay, for me.

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Let's Rant A Bit

Describing the shit I write.

Yeah so now let's write some more shit, with a lots of I's, and it, talking about shit.

I've been so busy lately, with shits I shouldn't be busy with, but instead of finishing my tasks, I postponed, procrastinated, later later I will do it and now yeah I'm in shit.

Shit, I wrote that word six times already. Wait until the seventh shit comes, I think you already know oh wait...

This is already the eighth shit. Goodness gracious.

I don't know how to describe this anymore. Maybe that's the bestest way to say it. Written in the stars.

I am human. I love excuses. I hate consequences. What else?

But knowing that some people avoided karma, just because that bitch being selective, sometimes I feel bad for calling myself unfortunate.

Am I... unfortunate?

Good god please let me stay sane.

Or actually I can just move my ass and take this shit to wherever deserves it.

The most polite shit pic I can quickly get from google.

I will try my best dealing with this shit.

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Can't Kill The Feel

So where have all the feelings gone?
Did they just vanish?

It would be easier to say,
when things were definite,
black or white,
explained by words.

Now everything's grey,
obscured by doubt,
hesitation and uncertainty,
silence keeps the secrets locked away,
in the heart,
deep inside.

Will you hear my silence screams,
if our hearts are one.
if it's true,
that our hearts are one.

Will you ever know
my silence screams your name,
every night?

Void.

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Where All The Sleepless Nights Go?

Nowhere!

They are always here. Haha it's been a while, people.

It's like two months since I ranted anything here. Apparently, having a Twitter account makes ranting less hassle. I can just pop anything there and there are less judgment.

Follow me LOL.

Although moral polices are always lurking around.

But yeah, writing stuff here has always been a pleasure.

It really brings me back to the past where I can write things, meaningful things without trying too hard because I am somewhat good at it.

Now thing's changed. I changed.

We all changed.

And that's not necessarily a bad thing. We move on. We grow.

All these sleepless nights went unwritten. It felt quite bad. But I suppose everything comes and goes, yes?

But I'm still here, nonetheless.

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Happy - Happiness... Busy - Business?

I am busy doing... nothing.

Almost got buried by nothingness.

I can't breathe suffocated by nothing.

It feels more real the everything.

Trust me,

Nothing is real.

Procrastinating things by doing nothing is very disappointing.

The feeling is too much infuriating.

You know what hurts more?

You are busy wasting time while your self is dying.

Literally nothing.

No no not you. Actually it's me.

It's been a while, eh?

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The Broken Silence

Sometimes, the silence is broken,
and then we hear the loud,
sound of the crowd.

Words pour like waterfall,
and we hear them all.

The times we embraced the silence,
nothing comes in between.

The silence accompanies,
the silence sings,
the silence ties up all the strings.

And now it is broken,
most probably temporary,
just never more than transient,
for silence is more permanent.

Because silence is in the air,
we breathe and we live with it.

Sound breaks the silence away,
words and syllables,
sound and letters,
interwoven among them,
then perish again.

For whatever starts, will end.

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The Pretty Liar

Oh look at the pretty liar,
spreading words all over.

Whispering to the ear,
what it wants to hear.

Deceiving the eye,
with what it desires.

Lies, lies, everywhere.
Lies, here and there.

Look at me,
I love those lies,
I admire them.

I put the lies under my lip,
and every second I take a sip,
of all the lies drip by drip.

I'm sinking deeper in this ship,
I can't get a single grip,
I'm starting to trip.

Yet here I am standing still,
not giving up the lies away.

My heart and conscience start to ill,
my soul starts to wither away.

Life, and all its lies. Death, and all it's truth

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The Divine Walls

And myself inside the walls,
protected from harm.

My feelings enveloped in concrete,
of apathy.

Life outside me,
and death inside it,
who shall be,
shall be it.

And myself buried by the dust,
of hopes and tears and trust,
that fear I must,
to be unjust.

The divine walls of me,
lowered down,
to reach my knee,
I step upon.

The divine walls shall breach,
the enemy comes in,
the walls I raise,
to live again.

Don't come in. You're not invited.

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I'm Not Like You

I'm a selfish fake.

I'm so full of myself.

I'm insensitive.

***

I'm not like you.

You are different.

***

What's the difference you ask?

Well...

The biggest difference is this one particular thing.

I admit I'm all those.

But you don't.

What can I do anyway?

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I should

... be here more often.

Life has been dull lately.
My fault.

To think that things gonna change on its own.
My own lame fault.

Letting the guilt inside to flow,
might help me grow.

To stay as it is,
impossible.

Truth be told, I miss everyone.
And everything.

Especially a friend of mine.
That particular friend of mine.

And my family.
My hearted family.

Since missing you makes me think about you and I am forgetting about me,
maybe I should start to missing me.

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So I Pray

I hate you, so I'll pray for you,
I'll add me in the prayer,
I'll pray for us.

Do you pray for me, too?
Do our hearts mend yet?
Maybe I was not sincere enough.

from here

Hence my prayer consists of silence.

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Combining Letters

One thing I wish to do before I die, is to write books.

Notice the plural form. I wish to have several books written.

The art of combining letters to weave some meaningful array of words is just, magnificent.

I don't have such talent, though.

When I read some good articles or poems or whatever, the first thing comes to my mind is the experience of the writer.

Of course, to write such a thing, one must have adequate amount of experience, have seen life from multiple perspectives, and learning a lot.

I, on the other hand, just sitting in my room doing nothing. Therefore I have nothing to write.

I can't even maintain updating a cheap blog, let alone writing a book.

But then again, who can stop me from dreaming, wishing, wanting to do so?

One day. Or in another life. Who cares.
:)

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The Small Kind Gesture

You never know, that the small kind gesture of yours.
It brings some feelings.
I, kinda like it.

Small, so small that it was merely a kind smile I didn't even see.
I can just hope that it's still there,
on your face, meant for me.

Be good, and teach me how to.
And still, thank you.

Like the dandelion, so easily moved, by the slightest wind of kindness.

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I'm Always In This Twilight

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat,
I tried to find the sound.
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
so darkness I became.

I took the stars from my eyes and then I made a map,
I knew that somehow I could find my way back.
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too,
so I stayed in the darkness with you.

No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight.
In the shadow of your heart.

The stars? The moon? Yeah they have all been blown out.
You left me in the dark.
Why is that?

Why can't you love me, they way I do?

:(

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Hear Hear

Do you remember how annoying it is, to have that friend of yours talking about every single thing every single time?

He or she always has something to say about everything.

And then, he or she just let it out, pouring words out from the mouth like a torrent.

With the advancement of technology, where people don't even say things anymore, but that friend of yours doesn't change at all.

In addition to the nonstop talking, now he or she just went ahead another level and be noisy in the social medias as well.

And you just say...

Why don't you care? 

Nobody is gonna listen to what you say! STFU!

Things like that.

Take a moment and think about all the problems in the world, where some people feel like they are neglected, unnoticed, invisible.

Some idle words are idle.
Some other words are meant for something.
Some are asking for favors.
Some are telling stories.
Some are trying to share their feelings.
Some are asking for help.

But when they try to reach out, they are told to shut it up.

Because nobody is going to listen.

Isn't that the real problem?

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Ring of Fire

We want to be unshackled,
we want to run anywhere our heart desires,
unbound by law and be free.

Yet we never know the ring of fire,
all around us,
burning deadly.

We are at the center,
untouched by the fire,
where the grass is not burnt,
and the water is cold.

We break through the gates,
that holds us in,
in the name of liberation,
we march ahead.

The direction is not clear,
we have never been here,
we believe we can find our way,
but lost further astray.

We despise safety that much,
we throw it away and we run away from it,
towards the ring of fire.

And when we step into the ring of fire,
we taste the overwhelming heat,
the excitement of burning desire,
reduces us to tiny bits.

Because we love the cheers that we get from running towards the fire.

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Hypocancer

Hypocrisy is like cancer.
Everyone has it in its dormant state.

Some may have died without seeing it.
Some may have it triggered and activated.
Some may have seen it in others.
Some may have experienced it themselves.

While many people deny its existence,
yet it's there inside them,
waiting the time to come out and show.

Hypocrisy is like cancer.
No absolute cure.
Therapy works, somehow.
Prevention, too.

And for those unfortunate people,
living with this hypocancer,
some die as a hypocrite,
some emerge as survivors.

Hypocrisy is like,
cancer.

Shadow never lies. 

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The Tangible Answers

As humans, we expect tangible answers and replies,

those that we can see and hear, 

directly sent to us right after.

It's hard for us to recite a prayer,

we don't want to wait,

we're impatient.

We don't like to think,

we want an easy thing,

as the solution.

Perhaps that's the answer for all,

of the staring at the screen,

of the waiting for the phone to ring,

of the endless talking.

Too bad God doesn't work on social medias.

Because I suppose He has His own way of replying to your requests.

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Good Nights

It's been a while, people.

Many nights passed unwritten. I was rather unwell lately.
Now is the time when I feel like writing nonsense shit instead of something to ponder.
Well, night time hasn't always been graceful. Sometimes, all the things that hurt come rushing at times like this.

We hurt, we heal.

There are many things left unsaid, as saying things might not be the rightest thing to do now.
I am torn apart between doing something right or doing something I want.
My heart knows some of the things I know wrong, but it wants them.
Damn heart.

Not sure if I really choose to be like this, or am damned to be like this by my own fault.
Is it wrong to be?
Maybe, perhaps, it's possible.

We want to be what we want to be. Be it right or wrong.
It's wrong to be wrong though we can't tell for sure how to set apart between both.

What if I choose to be wrong, doing wrong things, making the wrong decision as you say, or they say.
If I think it is right, would it still be up to myself to choose?

My conscience says, let the upper Hand decides.
Ask. Him.

Most of the time I feel like I wronged Him.
But all the time I know he would be understanding, or so I say.
The only comfort I can have is to know by heart that I am loved.

Who can take my hand I don't outstretch?

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Echo Me In Circles

For a particular purpose, I'm doing this to a full extent.

:)

This is a song from one of my favourite rock band, Paramore. It is the track number 10 from the third album Brand New Eyes. I find it very relate-able.

The album cover.

From my personal point of view, I find this song is telling a story about how life can be difficult at times and people can be somewhat, lost.

It is like a ghost. A misguided ghost.

I'm going away for a while 

But I'll be back 

Don't try to follow me 

'Cause I'll return as soon as possible 

The song starts with the singer singing "I'm going away for a while", a very simple way of expressing her need to be alone by herself, probably due to overload of problems and stuffs. However, it is not like she is running away because she will be back. She insists of people to just let her be and don't need to worry about her. She will not be gone for long. She will return soon after. As soon as possible.

See, I'm trying to find my place 

But it might not be here where I feel safe 

Somehow, she doesn't feel right. Most of us do. We feel like we are of no significance in the group of people we are supposed to be part of. She tries to find herself a place where she can be herself and "feel safe" about it. It is most probably due to rejection and discrimination of differences that make people feel like they don't belong.

We all learn to make mistakes 

And run from them, from them 

With no direction 

We'll run from them, from them 

With no conviction 

As she sings "We all learn to make mistakes", the singer implies the thing everyone does as a human. Mistakes. The faulty thing or things that we do every single day, and how we run away from it, or them. When mistakes are meant to be corrected, the unhelpful society who only knows how to condemn and mock will just result in the problem being unresolved.

And this brings the next thing.

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts 

Traveling endlessly 

Don't need no roads 

In fact, they follow me 

And we just go in circles 

Like a ghost, she just wanders around, aimlessly and endlessly. She doesn't need any roads because she doesn't even have a destination to begin with. Like, she's just lost. The problems, which might be the unresolved past mistakes and guilt, just follow her around. It doesn't stop there, as if going in circles.

And now I'm told that this is life 

That pain is just a simple compromise 

So we can get what we want out of it 

Somebody told her, this is how life works. Things are not always easy. People get hurt and they grow stronger. All the previous hardships exist to make who we are today. Whenever bad things happen in our life, after we struggle through it, we will emerge with new knowledge and experience to prepare for the next one. 

Would someone care to classify? 

Our broken hearts and twisted minds 

So I can find someone to rely on 

However, she still can't understand why things must be that way? Her heart is broken and her mind is twisted. She needs someone to really help her through this. Someone she can put her trust in. Someone she can rely on. It's not only her. It's all of us.

And run to them, to them 

Full speed ahead 

Oh, you are not useless 

We are just 

As she finds the right people, she wants to go and be with them. She wants to be there as fast as she can. She brings with her all the hopes she has. She also knows that nobody is insignificant. Everyone exists for a purpose. However, as how life can be cruel at times, some people end up being ghosts, like herself.

Misguided ghosts 

Traveling endlessly 

The ones we trusted the most 

Pushed us far away 

Because no matter what, people are always open to betrayal and treachery. She still travels endlessly and aimlessly like a ghost because those people she had her hope on was of no guarantee to be loyal. She is pushed away. Faraway.

And there's no one road 

We should not be the same 

But I'm just a ghost 

And still they echo me 

They echo me in circles

In the end, she knows she has to be what she has to be. Despite being a ghost, she needs to be a ghost of herself. She needs to be different from the people around her, who are constantly trying to bring her down. Or different from those who she thinks she can trust, but push her away after all. But even with all the realizations, she still have to carry the burden. She's a ghost anyway. And the the past come like echoes, encircling her.

***

I believe everyone feels the same way sometimes. That feeling of loneliness despite being in a crowd. A loud crowd is nothing but a deathly silence when the sounds they make are not from their heart.

We always want to be accepted and recognized even with our weaknesses. Therefore, we need trustworthy people, like family and friends, to give us supports and the strength that we can borrow.

However, people are people and that's how people do. Not all of them are going to be there for us, just like how we are not there for everyone. We might forgot our part as well.

As human, we should be supportive to each other. A trust that is given to us should be appreciated. Being a hypocrite should not be an option. A broken trust is sharper than a broken glass.

Being a ghost is not wrong, although it might be painful. As we live on, we will learn that even god's best creation are not that well so that we must in the end, hold on to God Himself.

And that might be the day when we can guide the ghost in us.

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Brave and Free

I just think this song is amazing and you should try listening to it.

No snapshots of some part of the lyrics.

The whole song is for you.

It somehow makes me

:(

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