Bipolar

Sometimes I identify myself as a bipolar person.

I am fine and I am not fine at the same time.

No I am not diagnosed with anything in particular.

But sometimes, reading stuffs on the internet makes me feel like I am a sick person.

Too many mental diseases I am suffering from.

I'm sane. The above is metaphorical. Or is it?

I can't be sure of what I want. Who I am.

I only know who I was.

I miss him but I can't do anything about it.

Losing so many things changed me quite.

Sometimes I would like to think I am a different person, even in a bad way.

But I am the same shit I was years and years ago.

Only the good things about me are losing bit by bit.

The bad stuffs remains. Increasing, even.

Why?

I think I know why.

But I'm to scared to admit it.

Yet I feel the burden is gonna be lifted one day.

Maybe when I die, I can stop worrying.

So I will try to live as for now.

For I don't know when is the time I'll be free.

Will I be safe? Will I be saved? Will I ever be?

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Maybe It's Time To Try The History Textbook Trick

Can't sleep. Help, please.

Remember when we were in form five at middle school, oh form five? Malaysian detected. Might as well start using Malaysian English here every now and then.

Please, no.

But there was this one particular spell book, the ultimate book of sleep charm.

History textbook.

Reading that damn book one page and you (or more precisely, I) will start feeling drowsy.

Since summer, I slept after fajr prayer and now as fajr starts to be quite late and will be later, later I want to sleep at night again.

And it's not as easy as it sounds. I just can't.

Good for you, huh Nocturnal Rant blog? Good for you.

I think starting tomorrow I have to read some part of the ophthalmology book before sleep, to make the drowsy effect takes place so I can sleep early.

Good god, close my eyes and make me sleep.

Exam is next week. I have done quite some preparations. Apparently, quitting Dota isn't one. God save me, please.

Please.

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Silence In The Dark

Let him be,
knowing or not knowing,
please stay in the dark.

I'll keep him in the dark,
if I can,
but I won't be able to
forever.

Please keep him in the dark,
silence and not moving,
even when he knows where the light is,
my shadows,
and where my shadows fall.

Stay in the dark,
for you won't like me,
my true face is ugly,
but you can't see,
if you're in the dark.
and you can't tell,
if you're in the dark,
and you can't tell them,
if you're in the dark.

Stay,
forever,
in silence,
in the dark.

Please stay, for me.

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Let's Rant A Bit

Describing the shit I write.

Yeah so now let's write some more shit, with a lots of I's, and it, talking about shit.

I've been so busy lately, with shits I shouldn't be busy with, but instead of finishing my tasks, I postponed, procrastinated, later later I will do it and now yeah I'm in shit.

Shit, I wrote that word six times already. Wait until the seventh shit comes, I think you already know oh wait...

This is already the eighth shit. Goodness gracious.

I don't know how to describe this anymore. Maybe that's the bestest way to say it. Written in the stars.

I am human. I love excuses. I hate consequences. What else?

But knowing that some people avoided karma, just because that bitch being selective, sometimes I feel bad for calling myself unfortunate.

Am I... unfortunate?

Good god please let me stay sane.

Or actually I can just move my ass and take this shit to wherever deserves it.

The most polite shit pic I can quickly get from google.

I will try my best dealing with this shit.

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Can't Kill The Feel

So where have all the feelings gone?
Did they just vanish?

It would be easier to say,
when things were definite,
black or white,
explained by words.

Now everything's grey,
obscured by doubt,
hesitation and uncertainty,
silence keeps the secrets locked away,
in the heart,
deep inside.

Will you hear my silence screams,
if our hearts are one.
if it's true,
that our hearts are one.

Will you ever know
my silence screams your name,
every night?

Void.

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