Many nights passed unwritten. I was rather unwell lately.
Now is the time when I feel like writing nonsense shit instead of something to ponder.
Well, night time hasn't always been graceful. Sometimes, all the things that hurt come rushing at times like this.
We hurt, we heal.
There are many things left unsaid, as saying things might not be the rightest thing to do now.
I am torn apart between doing something right or doing something I want.
My heart knows some of the things I know wrong, but it wants them.
Damn heart.
Not sure if I really choose to be like this, or am damned to be like this by my own fault.
Is it wrong to be?
Maybe, perhaps, it's possible.
We want to be what we want to be. Be it right or wrong.
It's wrong to be wrong though we can't tell for sure how to set apart between both.
What if I choose to be wrong, doing wrong things, making the wrong decision as you say, or they say.
If I think it is right, would it still be up to myself to choose?
My conscience says, let the upper Hand decides.
Ask. Him.
Most of the time I feel like I wronged Him.
But all the time I know he would be understanding, or so I say.
The only comfort I can have is to know by heart that I am loved.
For a particular purpose, I'm doing this to a full extent.
:)
This is a song from one of my favourite rock band, Paramore. It is the track number 10 from the third album Brand New Eyes. I find it very relate-able.
The album cover.
From my personal point of view, I find this song is telling a story about how life can be difficult at times and people can be somewhat, lost.
It is like a ghost. A misguided ghost.
I'm going away for a while
But I'll be back
Don't try to follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible
The song starts with the singer singing "I'm going away for a while", a very simple way of expressing her need to be alone by herself, probably due to overload of problems and stuffs. However, it is not like she is running away because she will be back. She insists of people to just let her be and don't need to worry about her. She will not be gone for long. She will return soon after. As soon as possible.
See, I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
Somehow, she doesn't feel right. Most of us do. We feel like we are of no significance in the group of people we are supposed to be part of. She tries to find herself a place where she can be herself and "feel safe" about it. It is most probably due to rejection and discrimination of differences that make people feel like they don't belong.
We all learn to make mistakes
And run from them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction
As she sings "We all learn to make mistakes", the singer implies the thing everyone does as a human. Mistakes. The faulty thing or things that we do every single day, and how we run away from it, or them. When mistakes are meant to be corrected, the unhelpful society who only knows how to condemn and mock will just result in the problem being unresolved.
And this brings the next thing.
'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no roads
In fact, they follow me
And we just go in circles
Like a ghost, she just wanders around, aimlessly and endlessly. She doesn't need any roads because she doesn't even have a destination to begin with. Like, she's just lost. The problems, which might be the unresolved past mistakes and guilt, just follow her around. It doesn't stop there, as if going in circles.
And now I'm told that this is life
That pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Somebody told her, this is how life works. Things are not always easy. People get hurt and they grow stronger. All the previous hardships exist to make who we are today. Whenever bad things happen in our life, after we struggle through it, we will emerge with new knowledge and experience to prepare for the next one.
Would someone care to classify?
Our broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on
However, she still can't understand why things must be that way? Her heart is broken and her mind is twisted. She needs someone to really help her through this. Someone she can put her trust in. Someone she can rely on. It's not only her. It's all of us.
And run to them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh, you are not useless
We are just
As she finds the right people, she wants to go and be with them. She wants to be there as fast as she can. She brings with her all the hopes she has. She also knows that nobody is insignificant. Everyone exists for a purpose. However, as how life can be cruel at times, some people end up being ghosts, like herself.
Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
Because no matter what, people are always open to betrayal and treachery. She still travels endlessly and aimlessly like a ghost because those people she had her hope on was of no guarantee to be loyal. She is pushed away. Faraway.
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me
They echo me in circles
In the end, she knows she has to be what she has to be. Despite being a ghost, she needs to be a ghost of herself. She needs to be different from the people around her, who are constantly trying to bring her down. Or different from those who she thinks she can trust, but push her away after all. But even with all the realizations, she still have to carry the burden. She's a ghost anyway. And the the past come like echoes, encircling her.
***
I believe everyone feels the same way sometimes. That feeling of loneliness despite being in a crowd. A loud crowd is nothing but a deathly silence when the sounds they make are not from their heart.
We always want to be accepted and recognized even with our weaknesses. Therefore, we need trustworthy people, like family and friends, to give us supports and the strength that we can borrow.
However, people are people and that's how people do. Not all of them are going to be there for us, just like how we are not there for everyone. We might forgot our part as well.
As human, we should be supportive to each other. A trust that is given to us should be appreciated. Being a hypocrite should not be an option. A broken trust is sharper than a broken glass.
Being a ghost is not wrong, although it might be painful. As we live on, we will learn that even god's best creation are not that well so that we must in the end, hold on to God Himself.
And that might be the day when we can guide the ghost in us.
