Oh hello. seems like it's gonna rain red. i updated my blog.
a relic of the past. a forgotten memory. not really, just lazy.
and i can't even form a proper sentence now. i didn't write for so long. maybe i should start again. or maybe i don't.
this blog was supposed to be in full proper english. seems like i may break that rule for a while. need some time to adjust, right?
pardon me for any broken english or mixed language used here and there.
Entry ini ditujukan kepada anon curiouscat haritu.
to be honest, i'm really happy, and touched, and at the same time, i feel like as you said, weirded. lol
dear anon. one thing you need to know about me (or maybe you already did) is that i have low self esteem, like very low. also full of insecurities. so it's only natural when i received a post like that, all i can think of is someone is messing with me or trying to make fun of me.
like, who am i kidding? me? a reason for someone to be better? just how someone could like me when i don't like myself? pfftt. haa gitu lah lebih kurang. lol
but of course, part of me really happy, knowing that someone (could possibly) felt that way about me. you know, that feeling i don't feel myself. i do feel like a loser some (most of the) times.
so yeah thank you for making me smile that night. dah la jarang2 dapat soalan kat curiouscat. bila dapat sekali puji2 la pulak. blushing jap.
i don't know what else to write. maybe another thank you. i wish you well. i also wish one day i will write more. lol
btw the entry title is a lyric from idle worship by paramore. please go listen to that song. i like that song. it kinda tells how i feel whenever someone says anything nice about me. you know, that fear of letting people down when they look up to you one time, then no more. because i know i'm that loser of some sort.
lol bye
Took the booster dose today.
Woke up at midnight. Can't go back to sleep. Boosted. So here i am.
Things are nice. Not that much but nice, still.
Life is quite good. Apparently, it's up to me to decide to myself whether life is nice or not.
Still, i am the same shit of myself. Some things never change. My self esteem is one of them.
lol
sad, but lol.
Blog ini dulu full english ye sekarang dah rojak balik sebab aku dah lama tak menulis dan dah tak reti nak buat entry dengan proper writing.
Maka kita rojakkan sekejap dan tulis seadanya sekadar mampu. Tak apa. Blog cikai tak siapa kisah kenapa nak serabut kepala?
Mari buat ala2 twitter walaupun kat twitter sudah merapu kat blog pun masih merapu takpa lah.
Ceritanya aku dah bosan sangat la ni sampai buka balik blog. Tapi sesedap oren mungkin aku tak buka la kot. Mungkin aku akan import entry2 yang aku rasa penting kat sini. Who knows.
Ye dulu aku merepek2 kat sesedap oren. Blog nocturnal rant ni tempat mencurahkan inspirasi gitu. Tapi sebab dah sibuk kerja aku rasa lama gila aku tak buka blog. Sebab takdak inspirasi lah kononnya.
Last entry 2019. Sekarang 2021. What? baru dua tahun lama mende?
Adakah tidak terasa dua tahun tu? Terasa weh. Lama gila. Serabut kepala otak menempuhnya. Bila tengok2 balik memang la tak terasa. Masa tengah melalui tu hanya tuhan yang tahu.
Mungkin sambil2 kita menuwit kita boleh tulis panjang2 kat sini. Aku dulu ada cita2 nak jadi penulis buku tapi apakan daya penulisan tidak berkualiti. Aku siap pernah argue dengan orang yang dah release berbelas berpuluh buku "boleh tak kalau kita nak tulis buku tapi guna laras bahasa yang mungkin tidak standard" dan of course lah jawapannya tidak.
Kenapa tiba2 sebut pasal nak tulis buku? Sebab nak bagitahu yang betapa aku ni sebenarnya suka menulis tapi macam aku cakap tadi la bakat tak ada.
Maka kita pun tak jadi penulis. Kita tulis kat blog jew.
Seronok tulis kat blog. Biarpun takda siapa yang baca tapi kadang2 ada jugak la sorang dua kawan yang komen atau share. Rasa terharu gitu.
Bosan mungkin menjadi punca untuk orang buat sesuatu. Atau jadi distraction dari perkara yang lebih penting. Contohnya aku patut stadi dan improve knowledge sebab dah jadi MO pun masih tak reti apa HO aku dulu lagi pandai dari aku rasanya.
lol
I will write again. There are absolutely so many things i left unsaid.
But as for now, bye.
